After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Randomize
