Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
