Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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