I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
