You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Found the puke drawer
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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