Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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