My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize