i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Randomize
