Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Randomize
