its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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