So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
