do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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