Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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