Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Even my vagina gasped.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
