Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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