i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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