So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Randomize
