I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
