Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
