Plan B is the new Plan A
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
