M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Randomize
