I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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