this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
