I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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