I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize