She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
My liver just had a heart attack.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
