so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
