Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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