Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
