I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize
