I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
