i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I wish you could order shots online.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
