why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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