i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
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