Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
