you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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