If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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