I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
