Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I accidentally had phone sex last night
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
