only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
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