I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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