never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
