Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
