Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Randomize
