so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
