i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
