I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
