i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
