new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
