I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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