you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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