I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
barbara walters just said penis...
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Randomize
