where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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