i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
