Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
