It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
