so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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