I just saw a hot homeless man
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
