When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
So I just went to clothing optional bar
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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