we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Randomize
